By Dr. John Boakye
We read in the Bible that ‘God looked at His creation and said it is good. If God is good and He made us in His image, it means every human being has good attributes.
At the same time the Prophet Jeremiah in 17:9 says ‘the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure’ and while James says we battle within us, Jesus says we have evil thoughts. Pope Francis summarises these statements and says ‘there are not perfect persons.’
In short, we all carry negative and positive attributes – germs in all stages of life and at the same time carry positive attributes or immune systems. We have the ability to love or hate, hurt or heal, build or destroy and to forgive or revenge. If marriage is part of life, then partners carry both good and bad attributes into marriage.
Many Sociologists have grouped the stages of marriage differently, some five, others seven and an American comedian two – wedding and funeral! This Writer agrees best with the theory that marriage goes through three stages; romantic, disillusionment (realistic) and adjustment stages. At all stages of marriage, we carry ‘germs’ and ‘immune systems’ and they stay with us for life because they are born with them.
Romantic stage
This starts some months before marriage and about two years after marriage. The brain stimulates releases a cocktail of chemicals like dopamine, encephalin and epinephrine which gives you a rosy outlook of life and emotional response to your lover.
You open your heart and are ready to share your life with your lover. You feel your lover makes you complete because his or her presence gives you a sense of comfort and security. You think you will stay happily married forever. Negative feelings are ignored and you think your lover can do no wrong.
You make time and show love in many ways as you focus on the positive attributes of your lover. At this stage, your immune system is strong to cover up the germs in your marriage and some ‘observers’ may think some ocultic interventions are involved. In Akan some say enye nani or he or she is not acting consciously.
Realistic or disillusionment stage.
The romantic love fades and now you focus on your differences and negative attributes in your temperament and sexuality. For example, nature seeks a balance and many people tend to fall in love with those who have opposite of the temperament.
An extrovert may fall in love with an introvert. Initially in the romantic stage, this combinations sound good because you focus on your positives but when the romantic love is gone, you focus on negatives and differences. You shift from admiring your partner to finding faults with him or her.
Some ‘germs’ in marriage include:
Selfishness. You lack the proper balance between giving and taking and focus on your needs. A man may focus on his work and a woman her children. A man wants distance and the woman wants intimacy.
Dishonesty. You keep things from each other especially your financial transactions. You may lie and lie to cover up lies. In some cases trust, the centre-piece of marriage is broken.
Belittlement or inequality. You feel superior and think you are always right. You attack your partner instead of attacking issues. You interpret everything your lover does in negative ways. You express contempt and may make your lover feel unloved, helpless and worthless.
Intolerance. You cannot stand your spouse because you focus on his or her weakness. You play the blame game and look for distractions to address a problem. A partner may spend time watching TV because he or she wants to avoid his or her partner.
Abuse. A partner is always intimidating his or her spouse. There is constant anger and threat to harm. Some demand total obedience which makes partners feel afraid, anxious and controlled.
Immorality. This may include anything you do and hide from your spouse. Some get into substance abuse and some get emotionally involved with the opposite sex.
Poor communication. A partner may refuse to listen, talk or always show negative body language. Partners fail to meet the emotional needs of each other. (A man’s topmost needs include respect, sex attractive wife and domestic care. A woman’s topmost emotional needs include affection, companionship, family commitment and financial security).
Adjustment stage
At this stage, partners have three options based on your attitude and behaviour. The first option is to do nothing and keep your marriage lifeless. This happens in about 20 percent of marriages. The second option is to keep doing harmful things (feed the germs and let them grow) and destroy your marriage. This happens in 60 percent of all marriages.
The third option is to do good things like spending time together, appreciation and affection, positive mental attitude, commitment, effective communication, forgiving spirit for spiritual well-being and living your marriage God’s way to increase the immune system in your marriage and make it stronger. This happens in only 20 percent of marriages.
When you do positive things and stop doing harmful things, you start liking each other. Your brain starts producing a cocktail of chemicals that put you back in the romantic stage. You go full cycle and fall in love with your partner over and over again. This means today, only 20 percent of marriages work.
What you must know
All marriages carry ‘germ’ and ‘immune system’ and go through the stages of marriage. It is how you handle your germs and immune system that determines the health of your marriage. If you do harmful things, the germs grow to leave your marriage sick and dying. If you do positive things, you nurture your immune system and make your marriage healthy and fulfilling.
The most important thing at the adjustment stage is to do things that strengthen your marriage and avoid things that hurt it. Never see the challenges you go through at the disillusionment stage to mean your marriage is bad, because the conflicts we face are part of our Christian experience and the test of our faith.
Always believe that God will not test you beyond your ability. He will never abandon you. Instead after conflicts, He will make you firm, strong and steadfast. With commitment, effective communication, hard work, mutual respect, forgiving spirit and prayer, you can use the ‘germs’ and immune system in your marriage for personal growth and as a language of love.
