PARENTING STUDENTS WHO FAIL: THEY NEED LOVE AND ENCOURAGEMENT, NOT FLOGGING

By Victoria Mwinsumah Kunbour, GIMPA

The West Africa Senior School Certificate Examination (WASSCE) and the Basic Education Certificate Examination (BECE) results have both been released. As usual some students performed well and will move on to the next level in their education all things being equal. Others, failed and now face the painful reality of resit of some papers or rewriting of the entire examinations.

The period when WASSCE and BECE result are announced tend to be difficult moments for the students who fail and their parents or guardians. Each party goes through a flood of emotions – disappointment, embarrassment, anger, sense of lost, rejection, etc. These sentiments are natural and may be said to be legitimate.

However, they need to be managed carefully particularly by the parents who are expected to provide support and direction to their child at this critical moment.   This is not to suggest that a child’s poor performance should be glossed over. Not at all.

Rather, it is to advise that whatever the criticism or feedback that parents must give should be constructive and devoid of statements that suggest hopelessness or that makes the child feel useless.

It is every parent’s prayer and expectation that when their child or ward takes examinations they will pass. As parents, we believe in our children and wish the best for them. After all the investment we make in them cannot be in vain or so we pray. So, when the unexpected happens and the child does not make it, then emotions set in.

The mental agony begins and the question pops up – “how can my child fail?” Often the parent’s reaction at the initial stage is denial; then it moves to anger towards the child.  In some cases, parents begin to think about the embarrassment of telling their relatives and friends that their son or daughter had failed the final exams. They worry about how their egos will be bruised and tend to forget that their child may also be distraught on their own and need support to deal with the situation.

One can understand the parent’s reaction because our educational system is such that there are not many alternative pathways to higher learning institutions once you fail at the pre-tertiary level. This puts undue pressure on the children to take the traditional rout regardless of the financial and emotional cost.

So how do parents manage their emotions and help their children to go through failure especially when it comes to examinations. I do not have all the answers but I have found some strategies that have proven to be useful.

►           Recognise that your child is as pained, disappointed and embarrassed by his failure as you may be. As the adult and more matured one, you need to be the shoulder for your child to cry on. But please do not spend the whole time crying over spilt milk.

►           Encourage your child to pick him or herself up with the Word of God which says we should give thanks in good and in bad times; that God is not finished with her or him.

►           Get some of their friends to come around and have their normal interactions. This will eliminate the fear of rejection and stigma.

►           Be empathetic in expressing your disappointment while reassuring your child that he or she can make it if he tries harder.

►           Use the opportunity to teach your child one of life’s key lessons, and that when we fail at something, we analyse what went wrong, learn from our mistakes and work harder to get better results in the future. To make it real, you may share from your experience some of the times you have failed at and you bounced back.  It does not mean you are encouraging your child to go on failing in life. It is about giving an honest picture of life to your child.

► Discuss the results with the child and identify which areas need to be improved upon. You may involve your child’s teachers or school authorities for advice if you need some guidance. If it requires that the child repeats a class, encourage him or her to do so in a loving but firm manner.

►           In situations where the child’s strength and talent is in another area get them to seek counselling and support them as they discover their potential.

►           Finally, let us as parents go beyond our pain and disappointment and show our children love and support when they fail not just in their academic pursuit but in life generally.   It is said that a friend in need, is a friend indeed. Borrowing from this, it may also be said that a “parent in the time of your child’s need is a parent indeed”.

Think about this.  May God be our help.