Divorce is not an option

By Dr. John Boakye In the past, the commonest word in marriage was love; today, it is divorce. In fact global studies show that while 60 percent of all marriages break down, 20 percent of marriages are lifeless where couples stay together because they feel constrained by social, financial or religious factors. This means that today, only 20 percent of marriages pass the mark and some sociologists including Watson predict that if the present trend in marriage failures continue, marriage could be wiped out in humanity in the next 60-100 years to be replaced by cohabitation and other forms of man and woman relationships. It is also a fact that divorce is a leveler with victims cutting across from rich to poor, young to old, Christians to non- Christians. The lifespan of marriage has a wide spectrum. For example, while a client’s marriage lasted just a day, in 1984 Simon and Ida Stern of US ended their 60 year old marriage when he was 97 and she, 91. Causes of divorce The main cause of divorce is lack of understanding of God’s plan and purpose for marriage; that it is a vocation, a call to serve God by what you do for your spouse and therefore demands total unity and indissolubility. Many therefore go into marriage with the unrealistic expectation of living happily ever after. Soon they see the hard realities of marriage and have the myth that life outside marriage is better and an easier option. The situations which break up marriage are almost limitless; some frivolous; imagine a man who leaves his wife because she prepared fufu without adding ‘koobi’ or salted fish to the soup! Some reasons are serious, some obvious and some so hidden that partners fail to see their full responsibilities. Many do not prepare adequately for marriage and marry for the wrong reasons like money, beauty, fame, power and convenience. Some think all they need is love because they have poor understanding of Christian love. Some experts attempt to list major and minor causes of divorce but the fact is that every marriage is different. What appears minor to a couple may be a major issue to another. We can however say that the major causes of divorce in Ghana are money, childlessness, poor sexual performance, poor parenting, infidelity, interference of in-laws, neurotic trait and social factors like friends and work. Others believe that partners leave marriages when their emotional needs are not met. While a man’s topmost needs are respect, sex, attractive wife and domestic care; a woman’s topmost needs are affection, companionship, family commitment and financial support. Signs of failing marriage No marriage breaks down suddenly. Many symptoms show but many partners fail to see them or are unable to handle them effectively. There may be withdrawal, change of interest, lack of commitment and selfishness. Other signs include dishonesty, intolerance, abuse, immorality and quitting habits. The baseline is that communication breaks down and partners are unable to share their interests, needs, values and vision. Effects of divorce Irrespective of who is the cause, divorce has harmful physical, emotional, social, and economic effects on individuals. You develop greater anger, bitterness, distrust, stress and depression. You live in fear and anticipate failure. This creates lack of confidence and negative emotions. Stress from divorce also breaks down your immune system and this predisposes you to many diseases like stroke, high blood pressure, heart failure and diabetes. Children are affected most in divorce. Losing one parent creates the fear of being abandoned. They develop emotional trauma and lack of self-confidence. They tend to have greater health problems as compared to those in normal families. They tend to be unloving, unforgiving and revengeful. They are also prone to behavioral problems like personal instability, relational difficulties, sexual promiscuity and substance abuse. They tend to have fear of commitment and majority of them become victims of divorce when they marry. Families are the building blocks of the Church and society. Unstable marriages create unstable Church and societies. Emotional hurts from divorce spill over to hurt neighbours, family members and colleagues. The present acts of indiscipline in our society can be traced to our failing marriages. Divorce and remarriage do not only defile couples but the land on which they live (Jer. 3:1).